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Baklava Schwartz

Pardon the mess, but since I moved in during July of 1997, I've been so busy
(being Me takes a lot of time and adulation) and as you can see, I have some serious redecorating to do! Some freakin' hippies appear to have tie-dyed the walls and I can't do a thing with'em.
...Can you see how much I've accomplished since that July?
Of course you can! How could you not?

In the unlikely event that you don't already know who I am...I am

the sticky-sweet, semi-flaky, kinda nutty goddess of Greek Pastry! :-)
hehehe...just kidding--not about being a goddess, of course--just the
"you not knowing who I am" part...

In addition to just moving into this dive, I am in final rehearsals for my one woman show,

It's a romantical, comical look at my life (so far) and I have a feeling that this is going to be my break-through project. I've even overheard some chit-chat at Sardi's and my favorite downtown bistro, Karavas' Place (4th St at 6th Ave--right across from the Pink Pussycat Boutique--which ain't no pet store...at least, not in the traditional sense;-)) by the way, don't forget to tell John Karavas that Baklava Schwartz sent you ;-)

Anyway...the scuttlebutt is that a few big names have expressed an interest in taking my one woman tour-de-force to the big screen! I'm not a name dropper, even thought I have had a few brushes with greatness...but anyway, if I were, we'd be talking the cream of the proverbial crop--like, Joan Rivers,
Cindy Crawford and David Lee Roth. Of course, I would prefer to play myself on the silver screen--I adore Joan, but she's...oy, so...ethnic! And Cindy is...welllll, just too damned purty.

Same thing with David Lee. If I can't play myself, I'd like to have someone like Jane Seymour give it a whirl. The only thing is, would she be willing to gain a coupla hundred pounds to make it real? I'm not too concerned about the accent. After all, I was born in Bridgeport, Connecticut.
England, New England...what's the freakin' diff?

And speaking of bridging cultural gaps, come sit by me, & I'll tell you about that cute Portuguese sailor who tried to win my heart and a green card, I'm sure. Let's go in here, get comfy, and I'll explain how it all came about...You want a nosh, or maybe a drink, first?

Oh, and may I take this opportunity to remind you that while you are an ordinary person,
(through no fault of your own) leading an ordinary life (that part is your fault)...I, Baklava Schwartz, am living the adventures you've only imagined.

Therefore, it is my duty to share with you the wisdom I have acquired (gliding through life) via my new column. By writing to "Bytes of Baklava" you can immerse yourself in my philosophy, and possibly heal your own life by listening to what I, your very own diva, "La Baklava Says." Send to me your questions, your hopes and fears...your fantasies (about me, of course) and I will respond here, on the world wide web with my worldly-wide...insights, and advice! And by the way...you don't have to have a specific question-- you may simply wish to bask in the enlightening glow of my very presence. That's fine, too.
Baklava Schwartz, Undiscovered Diva, is here for you on the
worldwide, international, interplanetary incredibly magical internet!
I could leave you forever changed (hopefully in a good way).
You should be so lucky, my dahlings!

By the way...I set up a Geocities Guest Book a while ago, and many of you were gracious enough to sign it, letting me know just how I've touched your lives--but alas, the Guest Book appears to be shlock, because it has stopped registering your entries:( Pleas for help from Geocities have gone unanswered, so I, Baklava Schwartz, went on a mission to find a new, and more reliable guest book--and it's installed! Please, even if you *have* signed before, go and sign my new book. I want it in writing that you need, want and adore me--whether or not you know it yet. ;-)

I don't have a lot of friends (in this neighborhood,) but I do try to maintain my old ones--ya never know when one of them is gonna get a book or movie deal!

Help me suck up by visiting their pages;-))

~Links to shmooze with your gracious presence~

What? You're still here...I really, really have to go. Do me a favor...put it in

Alright, Schatzie...here comes the obligatory counter. You are visitor number 
I'm not going to lie to you--the truth is...you aren't my first, and you won't be my last,
...but you are definitely the best I've had (since August 2, 2000),
When writing, please reference the above number, and try not to gush too much about how you need and want me. You could win a prize! Aww, go ahead...gush, you can't help it, you're human. Sort of;-p

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