Dear Baklava, Perhaps I have no right to seek your wisdom, but I ammiserable, and none of my friends or family seem able to help. Besides, this is a delicate matter, and it needs the attention of a sensitive woman. I am an average man who often falls in love with the wrong women, but once I've felt the stirrings of passion, it's not so easy to turn away. What can I do to makethem notice me, yet not run? Moishe, in South Bend, Indiana Oy, Moishe... First of all, what's a Jew doing in South Bend, Indiana?Let me ask you a personal question, snookie-- when's the last time you had a good piece? (Of whitefish, that is) Although we as Jews have been genetically programmed to survive plagues and persecution, living in tenements and wandering the desert, it has been proven that Jews who live savage territories (like the midwest) are prone to corruptionand tragic lives. I had a cousin once who lived in the midwest for only 6 months while undergoing intensive therapy, and whenhe returned to civilization, he was eating Chopped Liver on Wonder Bread with mayonaisse. You are living on the edge of doom, Moishe--get thee to a city, and soon. You need a womanlike me (not that you could ever have me, of course) but you'll have more prospects--and better bagels here in the real world than you'll ever find in the heartland. Good luck, you sweet shlemiel! Baklava

Dearest Baklava, I can't begin to tell you what an inspiration you have been to me! Only 3 months ago, I was a high-powered executive in a huge publishing house in New York City. That job challenged me on a daily basis, and it also made use of my college degrees--all 5 of them, including my MBA, Law Degree and Medical Degree. The medical degree was utilized mostly doing triage in the subway during rush hour. Still, my life was devoid of meaning. Anyway, last summer I saw you being arrested for burning Jenny Craig in effigy in Central Park, and I was amazed by your grace, wit and style--not to mention that you got the arresting officer to stop for a snack on the way to jail, and you had invited the observing and participating crowd to join you. Imagine my surprise when we all ended up at the Edwardian room at the Plaza Hotel! You are an icon for the the well-rounded woman of today, tomorrow and beyond. I do have a couple of questions, though...was that Beluga Caviar really more effective at bringing up your blood sugar than a glass of orange juice would have been, and...how is it that you were arrested, but when next I saw you across the lobby of the Plaza, it was the Cop who was wearing the handcuffs, and you were returning a room key to the desk and paying the bill...??? Ashtabula Weinstein, MD, ESQ New York, New York My darling Ashtabula, Thank you for telling the world what I already know--that I am revered, adored,appreciated and an inspiration. You are obviously an intelligent and highly evolved woman, though not yet on my level. As for the "lay-over" (hehehe) at the Plaza, it was an issue of necessity. My blood sugar was dangerously low, and I couldn't wait another 3 blocks to get to Gray's Papaya Stand for a juice. Besides, it wasn't the Beluga Caviar that restored me--it was the orange juice in the Mimosa. The reason the officer obliged me is just the same old story. He's adored me from afar, and slapping the bracelets on me allowed him to touch my lush, round and supple body. When he frisked me, I felt myself quivering (each time) and felt that "New York's Finest" deserved to sample my finest. I needed for him to understand why Jenny Craig and her evil minions need to be stopped. Once the cop copped a few fleshy feels of my buttercream body, he understood...In fact, he went home and took away his Mother's Redux and Phen/fen, flushed them down the toilet and told her to give up the bone-quest and be proud to be a woman with hips, thighs and a bosom! However, I want to set the record straight on two counts: first of all, I did not commit an indiscretion in some seedy hotel room with him--Officer Sven McBride is a gentleman, and knew there was no way he could touch my...boa unless it was in a suite, and secondly--I did NOT pay for the suite. It was his credit card. He was...indisposed, and therefore unable to sign for himself. Continue to aspire to my undiscovered greatness...hope is everything ;-) Baklava